From Oscar© winner Danny Boyle, TV police comedy drama, Babylon: The Complete First Series, comes to DVD on 9th March 2015, courtesy of Entertainment One. James Nesbitt is Metropolitan chief constable Richard Miller who must deal with daily trials and tribulations from public nuisances, to serious threats, all whilst trying to maintain a positive public image.
To celebrate the  release we take a look at some of the biggest wastes of police time, which by the way, is illegal in itself (according to Section 5 of the Criminal Law Act) and just how bizarre, funny and weird these timewasters can really be.

HOOK(ER), LINE AND SINKER

In 2013, a man decided to explore his sexual side further by trying out some street products, however, what he discovered was in fact a huge breach of the “Sale of Goods Act”, he claimed the prostitute had made out that she was “better looking than she actually was”, so the man called the emergency service up immediately to report on this. He was not sold a replacement item.

CONTRABAND

In 2012, a couple reported that £10,000 worth of cannabis had been stolen from their marijuana farm that they’d been illegally growing. To make sure it was obvious how upset they were they decided to wave an air pistol in front of the police when they were arrested. They’ve now said bye to their garden and high to jail.

FAMILY ISSUES

In 2012, a 14-year old boy had the audacity to ignore his parent’s demands to turn off his games console and go to sleep; this resulted in a call being made to 999. The parents complained that their son would not go to bed and clearly thought this was a criminal matter. The only arrest made was on his parent’s pride.

RSPCA-IN’T US

In 2014, a man called the police to say he had a fly in his ear. The police had to explain they were too buzzy to deal with this time wasting call.
At the beginning of the year a father called the police to report that his out-of-control cat had trapped his family in their bedroom and was holding them hostage. “He’s charging at us, he’s at our door, bedroom door, he’s trying to attack us, he’s very, very, very, very hostile”, said the father. Thankfully, the police managed to capture the criminal.
On another occasion, a woman called to report a hedgehog she was “scared” of in her garden, when asked whether if it was alive of dead, she responded, “It’s not dead. It’s alive”. The call handler then calmed her down by explaining hedgehogs live in gardens.
A woman dialled 999 because her neighbour’s cat was giving her a “strange look”, nevertheless, the police patrol were not sent out.

GARMENT GRIEVANCES

In 2014, a distressed call was made to the police saying, “Police please, I need to exchange my shoes”. The superintendent in charge later said, “We want the public to think very carefully before dialling 999”.
In 2013, a man lost his trousers, which in turned resulted in him losing his head too, he called the emergency services to alert them to this great loss. Unfortunately, his trousers were never found again. RIP.

TAKE (‘EM) AWAY

In 2010, a caller insisted police action against a Chinese takeaway who was 45 minutes too late in feeding him, for that, immediate punishment was demanded. The corrupt takeaway eventually made his way to the rightful mouth and he was very lucky that he wasn’t taken away.
In 2013, a woman dialled 999 because she was delivered the wrong takeaway during the Christmas period. The police festively reminded her to only call the line with real emergencies. Little is known on whether she also complained to Santa Claus about receiving the wrong present too.

THE HEAT

In 2013 a woman was robbed of her own central heating. The lady in question called the emergency department to declare that someone had come to fix her boiler but, “it’s not as hot as it used to be, I think he must’ve stole some heat from me”. When asked if she’d tried to turn up her thermostat she asked, “What’s a thermostat?”.

THE OFF SCREEN DRAMA

In 2013, a man watching The X Factor was mortified he was unable to put in a vote for his favourite act on the reality TV show and felt he had to do something about it, via 999. The issue lasted as long as his question, “I’m watching The X Factor and I can’t get through to make a vote… would you please telephone them yourself and put a vote on for me?”.

MISSING PERSON

Missing people are no joke, the heartbreak that ensues is enough to tear anyone apart, so you can imagine how serious the police took a call in 2014 when it was reported that a person was missing. “I went out about five minutes ago to have a fag and he’s gone”. The police man sympathetically asked, “who’s gone sorry?”, to which the man clarified, “my snowman”.

KIDNAPPING

In 2013, a woman called 999 and reported that she had been kidnapped, “”I can’t see anything, I’m wearing a blindfold. Wait, I’m trapped”. After a few more minutes she realised she was under her duvet covers. The suspicious quilt has since stopped kidnapping her.

CRÈME DE LA CRÈME

The icing on the cake, of all the above calls made to 999, the following still remains unbeatable to this day. In 2008, a man called the police as he was having trouble breathing and was worried he was going to pass out, the dispatcher reassured him that an ambulance would be on the way but needed to clarify some further details, “Are you an asthmatic? What were you doing when you started having trouble breathing?”. Thankfully he cleared up his medical history, “running from the police”.

Babylon: The Complete First Series, available on DVD now, courtesy of Entertainment One.